Why is ‘patience’ so difficult? Why is being independent and still being emotionally balanced so difficult(for me)? Why do we have to cling consciously or subconsciously to something or someone (again my case generally).
I wish I was a different person because the world is too different from what I expected it to be as an honest person while growing up or may be the people I come across or more importantly the people I like are different.
I have tried to change a lot of aspects in me of course based on failures in dealing with people, to be at par with the ‘practical’ ‘fast’ ‘over ambitious’ world or even general people who I found to be smart/opportunist or may be not so selfish but not as sentimental like me as per my criteria of understanding. I evolved, matured a bit but in the process I have lost the track of original me, of what I liked and enjoyed.
But truth be told, I don’t want new people as sentimental as me in my life because where will d strength come from if only an emotional extreme is maintained. But I need people who can exactly understand those sentiments and the depth or basically the ‘me’.
I think I have spent my teen and my early 20s in just finding good people to be with. And my entire focus was on proving a point that there are good people and I am good at heart n still bold and that is what good life is all about. In this I ignored the good parents I had because they were parents and had restrictions for me which I never liked. I ignored understanding a reality, that existence is not about people but its you n what you make out of it in terms of career. I was so focused on people n relations and emotions and mindsets that I studied for the sake of studying and not because I knew what I wanted to be in future.
I am still in search of that passion where I can do or die and work mindlessly for an idea. A passion that wont involve my emotions for a person or a relation but for something else. Be it a new career altogether or be it any damn thing. I never turned highly ambitious. I only know how to work with determination and the best of knowledge I have and to work with all the perfection I know of. I hardly take an initiative. I didn’t learn to be over aggressive and I don’t c d killing instinct for a particular field of work that I see for the close relations around me.
I wish I can be more balanced. I tried isolating and concentrating on work life and finding ways to be happy with self because depending for small fun moments on closed ones was not a successful solution for a good time in life.Basically I reached another side of extremity where i try finding solace in isolation because it better not to handle people at all. For me it was learning to b at your own without clinging emotionally. I did see a temporary success but then inner frustration surfaced up at times when I think how many people I know and I matter to and I influence or even basic- I enjoy talking to.
Working and finding passion is all upto me but changing myself has been a difficult journey and m clueless where it has taken me to and will lead me.
Way too much of weird random post over now :p. Basically I am done taking it out by writing(typing).