I just thought of ending the day by writing and sharing me with people who might read. As a matter of fact, two followings to the blog today encouraged me to be at ease about sharing thoughts even if it is random and not so fun and informative to share. Thank you both (Jordan Policicchio and ‘adoptingjames’).
Well the day was usual. I cribbed yet again “Saturday- Y u no off for me?” :p
By the end of the day at work, I started weaving plans as to how to make it different. Its WEEKEND. I have the right to feel different about it :p :p
K had a tiring day. Parents weren’t here. And, I had decided not to befriend colleagues beyond a line so they are never a choice for hanging out. SO it was all but me.
I had 2 things in mind. Either check out the new car at a showroom near by which I wish to buy (only WISH to :p) or go to a mall and buy something for myself (Salary got credited today). The motive to plan all this alone was as usual. Pamper self, feel ok bout being alone and learn self dependency. So the whole thing in head of being self sustained n being with self is still conscious. Hope it goes subconscious soon.
Well, ultimately I accompanied K to a doc since he wasn’t well and I wanted him to be better by tomorrow and enjoy the Sunday. Dropped him back, forgot my phone with him, reached home after struggling with horrible Saturday traffic, had food, went back to K to pick up my phone and back home. Watched some episodes of One tree hill, shed a minor tear to see Quinn live the fear of losing the love of life (Season 8, episode 3 :p) drooled over Clay (Robert Buckley) the latest crush and it was 12.45 a.m. With already 2 pings from K asking me to sleep, I came here to share my day like in a daily diary. Sorry K. Done now.
Time to sleep. Will dedicate this post to Clay, the latest crush :p
Why is ‘patience’ so difficult? Why is being independent and still being emotionally balanced so difficult(for me)? Why do we have to cling consciously or subconsciously to something or someone (again my case generally).
I wish I was a different person because the world is too different from what I expected it to be as an honest person while growing up or may be the people I come across or more importantly the people I like are different.
I have tried to change a lot of aspects in me of course based on failures in dealing with people, to be at par with the ‘practical’ ‘fast’ ‘over ambitious’ world or even general people who I found to be smart/opportunist or may be not so selfish but not as sentimental like me as per my criteria of understanding. I evolved, matured a bit but in the process I have lost the track of original me, of what I liked and enjoyed.
But truth be told, I don’t want new people as sentimental as me in my life because where will d strength come from if only an emotional extreme is maintained. But I need people who can exactly understand those sentiments and the depth or basically the ‘me’.
I think I have spent my teen and my early 20s in just finding good people to be with. And my entire focus was on proving a point that there are good people and I am good at heart n still bold and that is what good life is all about. In this I ignored the good parents I had because they were parents and had restrictions for me which I never liked. I ignored understanding a reality, that existence is not about people but its you n what you make out of it in terms of career. I was so focused on people n relations and emotions and mindsets that I studied for the sake of studying and not because I knew what I wanted to be in future.
I am still in search of that passion where I can do or die and work mindlessly for an idea. A passion that wont involve my emotions for a person or a relation but for something else. Be it a new career altogether or be it any damn thing. I never turned highly ambitious. I only know how to work with determination and the best of knowledge I have and to work with all the perfection I know of. I hardly take an initiative. I didn’t learn to be over aggressive and I don’t c d killing instinct for a particular field of work that I see for the close relations around me.
I wish I can be more balanced. I tried isolating and concentrating on work life and finding ways to be happy with self because depending for small fun moments on closed ones was not a successful solution for a good time in life.Basically I reached another side of extremity where i try finding solace in isolation because it better not to handle people at all. For me it was learning to b at your own without clinging emotionally. I did see a temporary success but then inner frustration surfaced up at times when I think how many people I know and I matter to and I influence or even basic- I enjoy talking to.
Working and finding passion is all upto me but changing myself has been a difficult journey and m clueless where it has taken me to and will lead me.
Way too much of weird random post over now :p. Basically I am done taking it out by writing(typing).
At times you feel scared that why and how everything is fine and at times you are scared because you have a reason to be scared about.
In either of the cases, despite of everything being fine in routine there is a slight restlessness. Because either things are fine but there is something that’s worrisome which can’t be solved today or you are used to problems and troubles and your brain is trained to see life that way. So you tend to find issues even during good or say routine phases of life. Conclusion: You aren’t calm. You are happy but not that satisfied and full full happy happy.
There are situations when you are very happy and confident of fact that you are having a good phase and you are enjoying it without worrying and speculating. But suddenly there is a restlessness. And then that restlessness reminds you of many problems that do exist but weren’t as important or grave a minute before the restlessness. You also tend to think if the good times are temporary or you dumb and gambling with life by not taking the issues seriously and ignoring it while enjoying life.
So basically, the mind is dumb. Think whatever, the present doesn’t change and you can’t improve the past and you definitely can’t do anything about the future by worrying. So let’s just be conscious and not ignore the problem(s) but not miss out on present because of the restlessness that your habit or your speculations about future give you. Be prepared Be strong
P.S Wish that was easy to do :p
Sitting on stairs, after a light brawl on just a prevailing issue, i realise another prevailing thought popping up into my mind, how weird am I to cope up with.
At times we r weird for our ownselves. I don’t know if I am the only one doing this but I have hardly seen much of my kind mindset n behavior when it comes to socializing.
Once i start realising the bad face of people or group of people or certain behaviour, I start ignoring, stop interacting.. more so because I find it hard to find manipulative ways to tackle with such mindset or I don’t find it worth pondering. I think n act straight and transparent. I don’t find such things worth applying strategies n my brain over.. but if that is how it has to be, I will have to learn which I M trying to but hasn’t been easy. I think I am lost in thoughts n expressing randomly.
Basically just wondering if I am shooing away basic social life (basic= normal people not too interfering and interested in others life just for the heck of it, people talking castes and religion in name of society etc) or so called friends by ignoring or I am right so n I need to explore for better mindsets rather is there a scope of finding such people or do I even need to care about it.
Status: oozing thoughts.
(Walking back from corridor stairs to my office now)